The current state of feminism has occupied my mind lately, not the least because a poem I wrote 20 years ago, essentially a feminist manifesto, has gone viral. I never posted it, as it was written before the rise of the Internet, but it’s in Aloud: Voices from the Nuyorican Poets Cafe, which won the National Book Award in 1994 and is still in print. The good news (for those older women who have lamented what they perceive as a lack of feminist fire in the younger generation) is that it’s young women who are posting it. The bad news is that it indicates that women’s experience has barely changed in 20 years. In this case, it's not fun to have written a poem that stands the test of time.
I wrote it after my fellow poet, Denise Duhamel, and I were two of four judges in a poetry slamat the Nuyorican. A couple of very young guys had just performed a piece that referenced women’s genitals in a derogatory way, and Denise and I caused a ruckus because we insisted on abstaining from voting; we felt our job was to rate the quality of the poem, not the content, but in this case the content was, to us, unacceptable. For the Men Who Still Don’t Get It, which I performed the next week, was an attempt to get them to see the world from our point of view. And, some of them told me afterward, it worked.
For the Men Who Still Don’t Get It (Carol Diehl)
What if
all women were bigger and stronger than you
and thought they were smarter
What if
women were the ones who started wars
What if
too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos
and no K-Y Jelly
What if
the state trooper
who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike
was a woman
and carried a gun
What if
the ability to menstruate
was the prerequisite for most high-paying jobs
What if
your attractiveness to women depended
on the size of your penis
What if
every time women saw you
they'd hoot and make jerking motions with their hands
What if
women were always making jokes
about how ugly penises are
and how bad sperm tastes
What if
you had to explain what's wrong with your car
to big sweaty women with greasy hands
who stared at your crotch
in a garage where you are surrounded
by posters of naked men with hard-ons
What if
men's magazines featured cover photos
of 14-year-old boys
with socks
tucked into the front of their jeans
and articles like:
"How to tell if your wife is unfaithful"
or
"What your doctor won't tell you about your prostate"
or
"The truth about impotence"
What if
the doctor who examined your prostate
was a woman
and called you "Honey"
What if
you had to inhale your boss's stale cigar breath
as she insisted that sleeping with her
was part of the job
What if
you couldn't get away because
the company dress code required
you wear shoes
designed to keep you from running
And what if
after all that
women still wanted you
to love them.
Comments
Do you get it? GET REAL! I think 1970 was a long ...
GET REAL! I think 1970 was a long time ago, those issues are nowhere near as common today and men are way more aware of misogyny and sexual harassment. AND, there are so many people now pushing for sexual harassment law suits now you can't even wink at a woman these days! So, then why is a Misandrist agenda being promoted so heavily these days to keep an out of touch Feminist movement going? How about being a single parent father that can't get child care? How about being a battered husband who can't get help because there are no shelters for men? How about a man who was raped by an older woman as a child? How about an over perfumed 350 pound woman who won't leave you alone at a bar? How about a married woman who unless you have sex with her, you can't get a job because she works in human resources? How about the nursing industry that is controlled by women? How about a pre-school educational system completely dominated by women because we have been brainwashed into believing that men should not be left alone with young children? How about women that won't work manual labor jobs because women don't work at car washes, they just have their car washed? How about not being able to see your child that was conceived because a woman lied about being on birth control just to have a baby? How about virtually every TV sitcom made since 1970 shows single/divorced men raising children as bumbling bafoons? How about most straight women will have Gay guy friends, but Lesbian women don't want to hang around with straight guys?
www.mensrights.com/index.php/Articles/Legalizing-Misandry-How-It-s-Becoming-Institutionalized.html
www.youtube.com/watch?v=flZoMLZgdUo
Do you get it? The statistical data doesn't l...
The statistical data doesn't lie, the media stories are slanted positively towards women, but negatively towards men, and the laws are also in their favor almost in every situation regarding child care. AS a single parent father myself, I have continually been treated by women who don't know me as if I don't know what I am doing to raise a child. It is always assumed I am divorced, when actually I am a widower, and, for the last 10 years not one single parent woman will have playdates with me and my son, or, trade babysitting nights. The fact is, the childcare groups, businesses, and associations are completely dominated by women. Men are intentionally kept out of these industries. There is virtually no answers or information for where men can go to socialize and network, at least here in Chicago, to get support since men are not allowed, or at least invited into these "Mother Oriented" social cliques. Complaints about women bosses preying on men have doubled since 1990. What’s going on out there?
www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/women-harassing-men-1
www.examiner.com/article/the-silent-discrimination-single-father-families
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZAuqkqxk9A
www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence
Sorry those situations are far and few between. Ha...
Excellent points! But based on these comments, the...
For Eric: #Steubenville. Your argument is invali...
Your argument is invalid.
Ha well as a young woman I'd like to say thank...
Modern feminism is not misandrist. It aims to elim...
Feminism is a hate group against everything mascul...
As a man, this makes me sad, hurt and angry. It ma...
It makes me associate feminism with feeling like shit.
What if a man could effectively end your career wi...
You're right. Men have it so hard, they can...
Your accusations and role reversals are a product of patriarchy. Feminism believes that men are MORE than that. This is how ingrained the system has been to you-you think feminism says these things, but it doesn't. Feminism wants males to be seen as feeling, thinking human beings, not automatons that have no other gender expression than professional wrestler or garbage man. There are few and far between real examples of feminism in media-which is why you find these examples and straw feminism that doesn't really exist-the patriarchy is scared and telling you to shut up and take it, or fight something because they said so.
I think we found the fedora wearing neckbeards!
You say feminists are fighting on behalf of men. ...
OH, and please stop using the term "Straw Fem...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvYyGTmcP80
"A List of "Men's Rights" Issue...
Feminists do not want you to lose custody of your children. The assumption that women are naturally better caregivers is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not like commercials in which bumbling dads mess up the laundry and competent wives have to bustle in and fix it. The assumption that women are naturally better housekeepers is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want you to have to make alimony payments. Alimony is set up to combat the fact that women have been historically expected to prioritize domestic duties over professional goals, thus minimizing their earning potential if their "traditional" marriages end. The assumption that wives should make babies instead of money is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want anyone to get raped in prison. Permissiveness and jokes about prison rape are part of rape culture, which is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want anyone to be falsely accused of rape. False rape accusations discredit rape victims, which reinforces rape culture, which is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want you to be lonely and we do not hate "nice guys." The idea that certain people are inherently more valuable than other people because of superficial physical attributes is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want you to have to pay for dinner. We want the opportunity to achieve financial success on par with men in any field we choose (and are qualified for), and the fact that we currently don't is part of patriarchy. The idea that men should coddle and provide for women, and/or purchase their affections in romantic contexts, is condescending and damaging and part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want you to be maimed or killed in industrial accidents, or toil in coal mines while we do cushy secretarial work and various yarn-themed activities. The fact that women have long been shut out of dangerous industrial jobs (by men, by the way) is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want you to commit suicide. Any pressures and expectations that lower the quality of life of any gender are part of patriarchy. The fact that depression is characterized as an effeminate weakness, making men less likely to seek treatment, is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want you to be viewed with suspicion when you take your child to the park (men frequently insist that this is a serious issue, so I will take them at their word). The assumption that men are insatiable sexual animals, combined with the idea that it's unnatural for men to care for children, is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want you to be drafted and then die in a war while we stay home and iron stuff. The idea that women are too weak to fight or too delicate to function in a military setting is part of patriarchy.
Feminists do not want women to escape prosecution on legitimate domestic violence charges, nor do we want men to be ridiculed for being raped or abused. The idea that women are naturally gentle and compliant and that victimhood is inherently feminine is part of patriarchy.
Feminists hate patriarchy. We do not hate you.
If you really care about those issues as passionately as you say you do, you should be thanking feminists, because feminism is a social movement actively dedicated to dismantling every single one of them. The fact that you blame feminists—your allies—for problems against which they have been struggling for decades suggests that supporting men isn't nearly as important to you as resenting women. We care about your problems a lot. Could you try caring about ours?"
http://jezebel.com/5992479/if-i-admit-that-hating-men-is-a-thing-will-you-stop-turning-it-into-a-self+fulfilling-prophecy
To all the men complaining ... This is why you nee...
You're right. That is sexist. But read the poe...
Essentially, it is just fighting patriarchy. Most ...
'Eric Behrenfeld said... Do you get it? ...
Do you get it?
GET REAL! I think 1970 was a long time ago, those issues are nowhere near as common today and men are way more aware of misogyny and sexual harassment. AND, there are so many people now pushing for sexual harassment law suits now you can't even wink at a woman these days! So, then why is a Misandrist agenda being promoted so heavily these days to keep an out of touch Feminist movement going? How about being a single parent father that can't get child care? How about being a battered husband who can't get help because there are no shelters for men? How about a man who was raped by an older woman as a child? How about an over perfumed 350 pound woman who won't leave you alone at a bar? How about a married woman who unless you have sex with her, you can't get a job because she works in human resources? How about the nursing industry that is controlled by women? How about a pre-school educational system completely dominated by women because we have been brainwashed into believing that men should not be left alone with young children? How about women that won't work manual labor jobs because women don't work at car washes, they just have their car washed? How about not being able to see your child that was conceived because a woman lied about being on birth control just to have a baby? How about virtually every TV sitcom made since 1970 shows single/divorced men raising children as bumbling bafoons? How about most straight women will have Gay guy friends, but Lesbian women don't want to hang around with straight guys?'
Eric. Most of the 'male discriminations' you talk about there come about from patriarchy in the first place, which is the exact thing Feminism is trying to fight against. If you really wanted more men in education, more rights to children, more careers in healthcare, you should be fighting with the feminists, not against them. I believe it's the patriarchial society that dictates that females are better care givers, better with children, and are the 'stay at home mums' so you can blame patriarchy for the reason why men are so pushed out of these settings, NOT the feminists!
If you grew a brain and looked around you, you'd realise sexism is still VERY prevalent. I believe there has only ever been 1 female prime minister in the UK, and she had to act like a male to get in power. There may be more women in healthcare settings and educational settings but the ones running these settings are men, who get paid the same monthly wage of about 5 or 6 nurses put together!
If you REALLY think that feminism and sexism is an issue resolved in the 1970's then you, sir, are blind.
yep. feminism is essential to all humans.
Sounds like you have some work to do re: taking re...
I get the poem, because it is basically identifyin...
Great Poem. Pity it is still so relevant 20 years ...
As a man, the tone of the poem makes me feel like ...
To the Anon @ July 21, 2013 at 10:46 AM , you and ...
To the Anon @ July 21, 2013 at 10:46 AM , you and ...
You're not mad at men, you're mad at socie...
Enjoy your time.
I agree that the more men and women work together ...
Carol Diehl said... "I agree that the more m...
"I agree that the more men and women work together without sexism, however how is our society not patriarchal when the government and most corporations and institutions are run by men?"
Because people within the government are elected democratically, and people within corporations and institutions are hired mainly (nay, almost completely) on experience and merit, and have almost certainly earned their position (this goes for both men and women).
"Because people within the government are ele...
Democratically or not, society will not vote women into office. Everything in our society is fair in terms of gender, it is the people and their views that make feminism necessary. There is no way you can honestly say that men just happen to deserve and earn the position more often than women, it's obvious men have a bigger influence.
It's all part of the victim complex that a lot...
Yes, Leslie, I will try to take rape on the chin. ...
Okay. It's a great poem, but the comments are ...
I wasn't born when this poem was written(20 ye...
Does anyone here remember being taught they needed to shave their legs for gym class by their female teacher at the age of 11? Or the months worth of hunched shoulders after discovering you were developing breasts? The absolute gut dropping fear when you find out you've gotten your period for the first time and you're terrified what terrible rumors your classmates will spread about you? Do you remember talking in hushed voices about how gross the girl who was growing armpit hair was behind her back? Or calling the girl who had no interest in boys a lesbian as an insult? That's the reality of what the school system was like for most of us who are 20 today.We were taught to be ashamed of how our bodies developed. "It's normal to get a period, but you don't want to talk about it, it's gross and it makes people disgusted."
I'm quite certain that boy's elementary school years didn't degrade them so much for being normal boys, and they were not taught to give two thoughts to their appearances.
If we want to have a society where both men and women are equal I think we need to start with teaching children that it's okay to not follow society's norms of how they think you should behave, and that just because someone chooses to do something different with their body does not make them disgusting.
Gosh, the hate this is getting is ridiculous. The ...
women fear men. have you ever thought maybe that i...
So I saw this poem on tumblr about a week ago, and...
I'm a high school senior, and I've always considered myself a feminist. For many years, I've been put down and harassed for labeling myself that way, and many people give feminism a bad rap. So I stopped spending time with certain people and I joined this site called tumblr, and I'm surrounded by more positivity and equality right now than I've ever been. There's a whole generation of teenagers who are waking up and beginning to realize that we're the ones who have to solve the world's problems. They advocate for rights among every gender, race, and sexual orientation, and it's so uplifting to see.
This poem was such an inspiration, it absolutely took my breath away, and the fact that nearly 100,000 other people saw it and liked it was inspiring as well. I love that this is something that was written 20 years ago, but intelligent teenagers are just now finding it and realizing its significance.
Maybe I'm speaking for myself, but I think the kids are alright.
So I saw this poem on tumblr about a week ago, and...
I'm a high school senior, and I've always considered myself a feminist. For many years, I've been put down and harassed for labeling myself that way, and many people give feminism a bad rap. So I stopped spending time with certain people and I joined this site called tumblr, and I'm surrounded by more positivity and equality right now than I've ever been. There's a whole generation of teenagers who are waking up and beginning to realize that we're the ones who have to solve the world's problems. They advocate for rights among every gender, race, and sexual orientation, and it's so uplifting to see.
This poem was such an inspiration, it absolutely took my breath away, and the fact that nearly 100,000 other people saw it and liked it was inspiring as well. I love that this is something that was written 20 years ago, but intelligent teenagers are just now finding it and realizing its significance.
Maybe I'm speaking for myself, but I think the kids are alright.
Thank you, Sophie, for your comment. I'm inspi...
well yes, men don't have it so great either, w...
The thing that no one seems to get is that feminis...
Wow this poem was amazing.
http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Lewis'_Law ...
Lewis' law was first articulated by Helen Lewis on Twitter in August 2012: "Comments on any article about feminism justify feminism."
Wow, with all these other comments (from men, main...
That said, I found this poem to be very powerful. It describes things that are so ubiquitous in a woman's life that I barely even notice that it's an issue. It's horrible, but when I think of women's issues I usually think about rape statistics or domestic abuse. The things mentioned in the poem are so common and so ingrained in our society that they can be sometimes overlooked.
Everyone has a lot of work to do to make everyone equal. Hopefully with poems (and resources) like this we can be more mindful to fight for equality in all areas of life.
Most feminists, are, in fact, looking for equal tr...
"Any pressures and expectations that lower th...
So, having women automatically assume I'm a hooting asshole who only cares about her breasts is the fault of the patriarchy.
So, it's my fault that I'm hated.
Holy shit. Let me just go kill myself so y'all can have your matriarchy.
Ai ya... This has long since left the realm of di...
This has long since left the realm of discussion and degenerated into that most ancient and honoured of human traditions - the two opposing camps sitting glaring at each other going "no u!"
Guess what? People in power have a bad history of trying to marginilize absolutely anyone who is in any way different from them - it helps to secure the status quo. It's also deeply enough ingrained into what humans are that it's unlikely to go away any time soon, even if you were to replace the current system with a newer, better system.
People are shockingly good at failing to treat other people as people.
If you want to honestly talk about an issue, make sure you're talking only to the people who are likely to listen, because I can assure you that no matter how much noise you make, you're not going to get through to someone who already thinks you're full of the meaphorical bovine leavings.
If you want to actually change things, however... well, that's easier and more difficult than you could ever imagine. But you could certainly do worse than actually listening to what other people are saying and giving a moment's thought to why /they/ say the things they do. (Hint: "The System" isn't the right answer. Never has been)
thanks for this poem it's sad to see from the...
it's sad to see from the comments that they still don't get it :/
The women/men discussion is like the black/white o...
Equality for woman is not a plot to enslave men any more than equality for people of color is a plot to create Black Power. Acknowledge the inequalities and then work together for equality.
If you're pissed off, gentlemen, and feeling aggrieved, you don't get it. If you're white and feeling aggrieved, you don't get it. If you're straight and pissed off that gay people are ruining your marriage, you don't get it.
You are outnumbered and your sexist/racist/homophobic days are numbered. A younger generation gets a good deal more than you do. But not all. Wait until the young/old discussion takes place. You'll have another battle to fight--and this time, you'll really be on the aggrieved side.
The moment that made me a feminist was when I was ...
I need feminism because right now we don't view each other with empathy (if we did their would be less rape and consent would be a bigger issue), we protect those in power instead of victims (calling a girl who is raped a slut or implying that a boy is gay is he says he was raped by a woman), and most people accept this as normal and don't see a problem with this.
One of the hardest things someone can do is to admit they are wrong or part of a group that is in the wrong, but even after this comments section I still have to hold out hope that people will act like adults, come together, and admit that, if nothing else, a poem like this can be written and people can relate to it so strongly twenty years later, then we have a problem, and we need to put aside the blame and defensive attitudes to fix it.
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